Inbox: Pumpkin Hollow

[hotgirlsummer]

Haley (Stardew Valley)

Pumpkin Hollow Inbox

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at Carolina's place

[ownperson]

The first time South leaves Carolina's place for any length of time since showing on her doorstep, it's to run to the grocer's. She's set Lina up with another mouth to feed and well, they've already figured out she can't just stop drinking cold turkey, which means they need more booze in the house, and so it only seems fair. Even if South hasn't done a full shop on her own literally ever.

She manages fine (or sure hopes she does). Comes back from downtown with heavy bags of proper food and alcohol alike, tramping through the snow to Carolina's door and having to some convoluted thing with her foot to open the door with her hands full.

"Alright, well, I have no fucking idea if I forgot something or what half the vegetables they had even are, but I think I ha—aaaaaaaaley!"

She freezes right there in the open doorway, staring at the unexpected visitor sitting in Carolina's kitchen, jaw a little slack. Haley's here. Haley's here? What is Haley doing here, how does Haley even know she's here, why would she come here even if she does know? Shit, she did not plan on being seen like this by— well, anyone, but maybe especially not her.

"...uh, hi."

Carolina gets this look on her face South doesn't try to read into too much, getting the feeling it'll only embarrass her more whether she figures it out or not, and says something about leaving them to it before wandering off to another part of the house.

[hotgirlsummer]

"...Hi South." She smiles. "Sorry for just, like--- showing up, I wasn't sure if you were here, but I didn't know where you were, so I figured I'd ask your friend if she'd seen you, and... got lucky, I guess."

[ownperson]

"No, that's— you're fine. I mean, not like there's a lot of people to fuckin' ask, really, so uh—" Ugh, fuck's sake, don't say it like that. She doesn't need to hear about how few friends you actually have. "You're fine. Just didn't expect— didn't expect anyone."

She glances at the bags in her hands and huffs to herself. May as well just take them into the kitchen so they can be unpacked, Haley's over there anyway. So that's what she does.

"...sorry, didn't mean to like, fuckin' vanish, I guess? I—" didn't think anyone would even notice, actually. No, don't say that. She pulls a face and starts over. "Everything's just happened kinda— suddenly."

What's 'everything'? Well she's leaving if Haley wants to unpack that can of worms in her court.

[hotgirlsummer]

"Yeah, well, sorry for making it impossible to vanish. I'm not afraid to be annoying if I have to," Haley teases, but doesn't push her luck. Whatever South's going through, it's... clearly really tough.

"...Yeah, I was wondering what happened. I didn't, like. See you around there anymore when I'd go on walks, so..." She hesitates, but--- she also is a sibling. "Did you guys have a big fight?"

[ownperson]

(She really noticed her absence that quickly?)

South laughs, despite herself—the sound's more strained than her natural laugh, but it's not empty. "You can be as fuckin' annoying as you like, princess. It's— well I'm not complaining."

It's nice to see you, she almost says, but doesn't. Cowardly, maybe, but playing it safe is about where she's at.

She starts unpacking things, giving herself something to do with her hands whilst she figures out how the hell to talk about this with Haley without giving away what a terrible fucking person she actually is. (Or maybe she should be showing her, giving her the chance to get the fuck away, but— she's cowardly, again.)

"But uh— yeah. Yeah, we had... probably the biggest fight we've ever had." She opens Lina's ice box to put something away and stares into it, chewing her bottom lip. "...he needed me out of his space for a while. It's uh— s'fair. I started it."

Understatement of the fucking century.

[hotgirlsummer]

Haley takes a slow breath, gaze wandering away but nodding with understanding. "Yeah, no, I get it. Em and I fight sometimes, and like--- it's usually boring stuff, dumb junk like whose turn to clean something it is, but. Sometimes it's not dumb. And I'm the family jerk, so. Pretty much always my fault. ...Our biggest one was when we were in college."

She hesitates. She doesn't want to tell this story. Maybe South won't ask her to. But then, how will she hear South's?

[ownperson]

The family jerk, yeah, South sure knows that experience well. Fuck, she misses when the stupid fights (her yelling at him while he mostly just tries to calm her down) were just that, stupid. About stupid, pointless things they could get past.

...if she asks, Haley might ask her, and she's not sure she could actually lie to Haley's face and then this is all over. But if she doesn't at least give her the window to explain if she wants, then she looks uninterested and rude, and that's also not great.

"...yeah?" She says, more cowardice, not quite choosing one side or another. "Must've been, y'know, rough. Never did the college thing but like, it's those years, right, big emotions and shit."

[hotgirlsummer]

"Yeah, I--- Ugh, it was such a stupid, shitty thing." Waffling a moment, Haley weighs whether she really wants to get into it--- but maybe it'll help.

"...When she was a junior and I was a freshman, we roomed together. I always said I hated it, felt like I couldn't get away from her, couldn't get a chance to be on my own. It made her feel bad, I know it did, but I'd always--- throw it in her face like a jerk whenever I was mad about something. It was stupid." Looking down, Haley picks at a bit of skin around the edge of her fingernail fretfully. "Then there was this--- this guy. He was nice enough. It seemed like Em was getting kinda serious about him after a couple of months, and she'd spend more time at his apartment than at the dorm with me, and I don't know why but it bugged me. So I started--- I started texting him behind her back, you know? Not exactly flirting, but definitely leading him on, until he... well, he did what stupid straight guys do, and sent me a stupid horny picture. I didn't even want him. I didn't even know I was gay yet at that point and I knew I didn't want him. But when I got the picture, I got what I wanted. I showed it to Em. And they broke up. But she was so mad at me, and I was such an asshole, and kept pretending like I didn't get why. We made up eventually, but--- not my proudest moment."

[ownperson]

At first, South continues putting away bits and pieces from the grocery haul, while still glancing back to Haley every now and then to show she's paying attention. It's the sort of half-attention that sometimes makes it easier for her to talk, mirrored reflexively back. But the further into the story Haley gets, the more attention she pays, until she's leaning back against the other counter facing her.

Looking at a girl like Haley shouldn't feel so much like a mirror (funhouse shaped as it may be) as it is in that moment.

"Jesus christ, I mean— yeah, I can fuckin' imagine. Definitely a dickass move." She's not a sugar coater, but still, if that's even in the top five of the worst thing's Haley's ever done... South folds her arms loosely, shuffling on her feet and looking just over the top of Haley's head instead of meeting her gaze directly. "Still. Good you worked it out, y'know, and uh. Fuck, I get that. Like. I— I really fuckin' get that."

She drags a hand up over her face, mutters a fuckass shitfuck shit— under her breath. She can't fucking tell her the whole story, she can't. It's selfish, so unbelievably selfish, but the thought of driving Haley away right now... she can't bear it, she just can't.

But there's things she can say that aren't 'we fought because I basically killed him', if she can only find the damn words.

"...I've— apparently been fuckin' doing that to North our whole fucking lives? Not— not the going after his partners shit, the uh. Making him feel like shit 'cuz I wouldn't shut up about... feeling stuck. As, y'know. Us."

[hotgirlsummer]

"...Yeah, it's kind of like how it was with me and Emily, in that respect. I mean--- we're not twins, she's a little older, but we're, y'know. The Beckman Girls. Close in age, rural town... parents who'd tell us to stick together and then ditch us. That sort of thing." Haley shrugs. "But I realized she didn't need to hear that. Whatever frustrations I had about us being tied together, about her being the 'good, smart one' and me being the 'dumb, pretty one', they weren't her fault. You know? So I needed to find other people to talk to about those things, and just be her sister. Maybe that's what you need to do with North, too, you know?"

She pauses, shrugs. "Sorry if that's imposing or anything. Just... insight. Thought it might help."

[ownperson]

"That's the thing, I didn't even fuckin' know it was upsetting him, he just— did this thing he does where he locks it all down and doesn't tell me shit and— and that's— that's my fault too, really, just—"

She groans, drags her hands over her face and up through her hair. Fuck, she really didn't want anyone else to see her like this, let alone Haley. How fucking pathetic is she being?

Inhale, exhale.

"...I thought— I thought he got it. Like— like he knew it wasn't about him, wasn't— it was just me fuckin'— bitching with him? I thought— I don't fucking know. And that's not even the main reason we had the damn fight, a lot of shit just came out and— god he's never talked to me like that before..."

[hotgirlsummer]

"Hey." Haley gets up, coming over to reach her hands up to South's, taking them gently in delicate fingers with manicured baby blue nails. "It sounds like he's got some stuff to work on, too. I mean, nobody's perfect. I'm sure all this stuff beat him up too, in a different way. But that doesn't mean he can just keep going like that forever. Plus he's a man, you know how men bottle up."

Haley shrugs lightly, letting South's hands slide out of her own so she can wrap her arms around the larger woman's midsection. She's short enough that her head rests right on South's chest.

"At the end of the day, you guys are family, right? You're a team. That doesn't just go away over one fight. Give him his time to get his head right, and then... get through it. Together."

[ownperson]

Fucking hell, her heart starts pounding the second Haley takes her hands. It's going a mile a minute by the time her head's rested against it. Shock almost freezes her in place and even when she moves, there's a remarkable sense of nervous hesitation to the way she rests her hands on Haley's shoulders.

"...I want that. Fuck, I want that. But it's not just this one fight. It's fucking— years of me hurting him and lashing out and... I don't know. I-I don't know."

Her head sags, messy bangs hanging against the top of Haley's head, and she tries to keep calm. It's... it's easier, like this, than it usually is.

"I— I got jealous, too. Not— not of a boyfriend or anything," well, not that time, ugh she's so fucking weird— "but there was this— this kid, sort of a kid, he got assigned—long story, weird and complicated, and I. God, I couldn't fucking stand him. Couldn't stand how much time he spent on him. Kinda still can't and he's not even fucking here and—"

Again. Breathe.

"...it's stupid. It's all so fucking stupid." And she misses North so fucking much already.

[hotgirlsummer]

"Babe, just explain it to me. I promise I don't mind listening," Haley half-jokes.

[ownperson]

What a time to be almost certain her stupid ears are going pink. "...that is so much easier said than fuckin' done."

But she guesses she'll try.

(Explaining it properly might be easier done not standing in the middle of Lina's kitchen, but she doesn't dare move or suggest the couch because she doesn't want Haley to let go.)

"That— military program we were in. I mentioned that, right?" She had to have, at some point, but god her head is fuzzy these days. "The whole point of the stupid thing was these— AI things. They were meant to go into the field with us and run our fancy-schmancy equipment. Except they were only being handed out a couple at a time at most and— North got one. I... I never did, but that's not the fuckin' point."

Not most of the point, anyway.

"It— he was called Theta, and he acted like a little kid even though he was just a bunch of stupid code, and North loved him so goddamn much right from the start and—" She bites her tongue, forces herself to frame this more neutrally than the mess she spat at Lina. "...he started spending most of his time focused on that— kid. I couldn't even talk to him without it— him there and I— ha, well, I sure didn't fucking take it well. Felt like he'd— he'd replaced me with this— this thing that could be everything everyone always tried to tell me I should fucking be, being his sister, and— yeah. S'tupid."

[hotgirlsummer]

"Mmm." Haley ponders this for a moment. "I mean, code or not, it's kinda hard not to get attached to something you think is cute, right? And the AI was with him all the time, like they were attached and stuff. So it's not like he didn't want you guys to be able to talk alone, it just sounds like a consequence of the thing. It'd probably be the same way if you got one, right? But also you didn't get one. So now North has one, you don't, and you gotta deal with the fact that you didn't get one and North's got one that takes up a ton of his time all at once. That blows."

And Haley doesn't let go. She stands there, listening to South's story and her heartbeat, talking softly and rubbing her back a little.

"...Sounds like he started focusing on Theta to give you some space to be yourself, though. 'Cause you said you wanted that. You thought he understood that it wasn't about him, but he didn't, so he was trying to help but it was the wrong way. Have I got the gist of it?"

[ownperson]

(Why does everyone keep being so nice and understanding? She's a fucking monster, she's—)

"Yeah," she breathes, a little tight. Tries to focus on the warmth against her chest and the gentle touch at her back. "That's the fuckin' gist of it. You're already way too good at translating my bullshit, princess."

(She shouldn't have to be, no one should have to be— god shut up.)

"Felt like I barely saw him for a fuckin' year and then— shit hit the fan and we were stuck out on the run together, all three of us, and it just... it just made it all worse. One day, I— I lashed out." She winces at her own minimising, but doesn't correct herself. "And now here we are. Fighting. And I fucking hate it."

[hotgirlsummer]

"Yeahhhhh the lashing out is where you fucked up," Haley teases, scratching at her back playfully. "And now you're like, 'I'm a big stupid jerk who ruined everything,' right? Can't say I've never been that bitch before."

A moment to just breathe. "Did he like, say anything that tells you where his head's at? Was he like explosively pissed?"

[ownperson]

"Well he made jabs so fuckin' sharp I'd be proud of 'em if I'd used them on someone else, so." She snorts, dry. "Yeah. I've... never seen him like that. Not with me."

Not even really with anyone else, not this bad, but she always thought he had it in him. One way or another, he's as identical a twin to her as she is to him. Some of that bitter edge had to be in there somewhere, right? It felt like wishful thinking, until suddenly it wasn't, and it actually hurt like hell.

"...he thinks I hate him 'cuz of how we grew up, the shit I said. And that I—ha—I'm asking the fucking impossible of him, which— yeah. And— and every time I'm... upset," it doesn't feel like a good enough word, for the emotional bullshit she makes him deal with, "he can't— he worries too much about me to worry about himself. And I can't— I can't seem to fucking control my own bullshit, anymore, so. He needed me gone. So he could worry about himself."

[hotgirlsummer]

"Jeez. Got pretty heated, huh?" Haley pulls back to look up at South. She has this sneaking sense that there's more to it, like South did something bigger that she isn't saying. It's not that Haley wants to pry, but... it's hard to talk South through what she's feeling without all the information.

Maybe another time.

"It sounds like he just cares a lot. Maybe more about you than about himself, you know?" Haley pauses, thoughtful. "Are you ever the one who takes care of him? Emotionally, I mean."

[ownperson]

"...not really," South answers, almost a mumble, volume dragged down by the weight of her own shame. "I've— always been the one that has the big, stupid, messy emotions. S'like I said on the mountain, I'm just one of the things he has to take care of."

And she should never have let it get like this. Become so dependent on that source of reassurance, left him so out in the cold, but now it's wired so deep she doesn't know how to stop. How she's meant to hold herself together without the pillar to lean on.

"...I don't hate him. I really don't. I-I couldn't. But I guess I've never been a very good sister."

[hotgirlsummer]

Haley's quiet for a moment, stopping to give South another squeeze. "...It's not too late to start. Let him have a chance to be the one who gets taken care of. Show up for him in that way. I bet it'd mean a lot to him."

Yet another thing she knows from experience.

"North's not actually that different from Emily. I mean--- she's this goofy hippie who's into crystals and birds and jewel tones even when they're way out of season and doing woo-woo meditation stuff. She smells like patchouli 24/7 and keeps a dream journal. But also, like--- she's friendly, in that same way. Welcoming, wants to be everyone's friend, wants to make everyone happy, even at her own expense. She keeps her feelings to herself when she thinks they'd be a burden, even though she loooooves talking about everyone else's feelings. She dotes on me and looks after me and bothers me about my health and is always checking in on me. She cleans up after me and makes the food every night. She--- yeah. She and North aren't too different. And it all came to her so easily. I had to learn to be a safe space for her. ...I still don't really do a good job, most days. But I like to think I pull it off when it counts. I think you can, too."

[ownperson]

South huffs, quietly, resisting the urge to curl a fingertip into Haley's hair where her hands rest on her shoulders. "Wish I could say I had the same fuckin' faith in that. Feels like all I'm any good at is making things worse."

She doesn't want it to be that way. She wants to feel like she's earned being called his favourite person, wants to be able to believe that's even true. But god, it feels so fucking impossible, sometimes, when all she ever seems to do is fuck it all up worse every time. All the ways she thought she showed she cared don't seem to have been enough and every time they try to talk...

She tried to reassure him he has as much the right to complain as she does and then kept making him feel like he didn't, and she didn't even know she was doing it.

(And then there's all the little problems she has with him, but those don't matter anymore, do they? They don't get to matter, not after sll this.)

"You're right. And— and I want to. I just— fuck."